Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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