I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
