Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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