she was so not down for the gang bang
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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