you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Randomize
