Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
