We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
