Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
