toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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