my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
