Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Randomize
