Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
