he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
