Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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