I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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