Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
