Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
