I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
