I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Randomize
