Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
