tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
