wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
