I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Randomize
