3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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