I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
