I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
