Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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