Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
