Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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