Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
