It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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