It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
