...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
