already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
