alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
