I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
