It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
