I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize