I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
