We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
