I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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