I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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