I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
