Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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