I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Even the bartender felt bad for me
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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