You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
