If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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