textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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