Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
