I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
