i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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