he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
