Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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