I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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