You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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