omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
