Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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