its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
