I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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