Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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