So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
