for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
