the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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